Finding the emptiness
Feb. 9th, 2013 11:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
culbutiriThe first time Nesir finds the emptiness. Warnings for small children being brought up as assassins.
The girl fled, she did not cry but she wanted to. She didn’t actually know if she knew how to cry to be honest. She had seen others do so, but it wasn’t something she was allowed to do. She wanted her sister, but the other girl had been sent on an errand into the city. The girl was alone, and she hurt.
She hadn’t meant to make a mistake; it had merely been a stumble in the passage she was meant to have memorised for the Cruel Lady. But that was just an excuse; she had failed in what she wanted her to do. However knowing that she deserved this pain did not make it feel any better. What was worse was the Cruel Lady could do such things without even lifting a finger. She could cause pain just by thinking it. Beak nosed man called her a thrice-cursed meddling witch but never when she was visiting. The girls sister told her that she could hear everything even when she was not there and even read your mind.
With those thoughts the girl barely noticed the person coming her way as she rounded the corner, until it was too late and they had collided. The girl looked up scowling but her scowl quickly faded as she saw who it was. The Stone Man stood in front of her frowning down. The girl looked up warily, she was not sure what to think about the man who came to the inn when the Cruel Lady did. He hurt the girl sometimes as well, but only when the Cruel Lady told him to. Beak nosed man had told the girl that the Stone man was the Cruel Lady's temple warrior, which meant he protected her and did what she said. So the girl was wary around him. But sometimes if the Cruel Lady wasn’t there Stone man was kind to her, and he taught her and her sister things.
The Stone Man bent down and lifted the child to her feet, “I thought I taught you to watch your surroundings!” He admonished, but not unkindly. At the girls wince he looked almost sympathetic, before his face turned into stone again. The girl thought it was its own kind of magic how he managed to do that, make himself look like one of the statues in the square.
“She hurt you,” the mans voice was gruff but it was a statement not a question, he took the girl's arm and led her down into the inn cellars were the girl and her sister lived. The girl let herself be taken, wondering if the Stone Man was angry at her, but trying to accept whatever was going to happen without being scared.
However when they arrived to one of the storerooms that went off from the basement the man merely let go of her arm and spun her round to face him before crouching down so he could look the girl in the eye.
“I am going to teach you a trick,” the girl tilted her head slightly, ready to learn. She liked learning. “It is a trick that will help you, it will stop you from feeling pain,” the girl's eyes widened, was such a thing possible? “Or fear,” the man continued. The girl frowned again.
“I do no be being scared of nothing, I did be remembering what you did be telling me, I did be,” she muttered sullenly, thinking the Stone man thought her a coward, but the man shook his head and gripped the girl's shoulder shaking her slightly, as he did when he was trying to get a point across.
“No girl, I told you not to show fear to anyone, one who feels no fear is a fool, fear is a useful tool but you must not let people know you are afraid or they will use it against you!” The girl nodded, trying to understand, not wanting the Stone man to get angry with her.
The warrior shook his head, “One day you will understand, but today I am going to teach you this trick. It will stop you feeling pain, or fear, or when you are older and understand more of the world regret or doubt.” The girl nodded furiously though she did not really understand what those words meant. “But girl, when you use this trick it will also stop you feeling happiness, or any other feeling, it stops everything not just the bad.”
Again the girl nodded, not truly knowing what she was being told . But that was how things often were, Long Nailed Lady had told her she would understand things better when she got older. “What do you be meaning by a trick?” She asked, her voice more curious than sullen now.
Stone man sat cross legged on the floor and gestured for the girl to do the same opposite him, though there was not that much room in the store cupboard. “Imagine a storm cloud in your head, and think of that and nothing else."
The girl did as she was told, though the weather in Gauig was usually warm they had big storms sometimes in summer. She remembered last year, her and her sister watching from the roof as the clouds rolled in, before they were called inside. She made herself think of just the clouds, dark and angry, full of water and thunder.
“Now concentrate and send the pain you feel, and the memory of the pain into the storm,.” The girl tried to listen and keep thinking of the cloud at the same time.
She felt the pain all over her and thought of it disappearing into the cloud, in her mind the pain was swirly and danced from her skin into the storm, disappearing. Then she remembered when the Cruel Lady had hurt her and sent that memory, with the small room and her face so serene and calm as she taught her why she should not fail. Scrunching her face up she sent even her face into the storm and watched it disappear, then the furniture in the room and the room itself. Even the book which she was meant to have memorised a passage of. The effort that had taken, everything went into the storm.
“Now,” Stone man's voice was pleased, he knew that the girl was trying hard, “Search inside yourself and find all your feelings, your sadness and happiness, your memories and send them inside the storm.”
Her eyes still shut the girl thought of the Stone Man, as he was part of the Cruel Lady and she was already in the fire. She thought of cruel Stone Man first, the one that hurt her. The blows all the ones she could remember went into the storm and then the stony look. Kind Stone Man followed, the one who taught her things and who had bathed her sister's head when she had cut herself.
Then the innkeepers and the endless dishes she had to scrub. Then the customers and their drunken shouting and occasional blows. Then the common room and its smells along with the kitchens and the rooms upstairs spiralled into the storm. The children she knew on the streets outside bundled in together as well as the busy streets and the market place, the bounds of the girl's existence. Next was the basement and the rooms she and Stone Man were in now. The last was the hardest. She imagined her sister, her best friend. She didn’t want to send her into the storm, but it was the last thing, and so she threw her in, and all the things she felt about her, how she was her best friend and they would always be together.
She felt the Stone Man stir, the man looked shocked but pleased. “Well done, little one!” The girl looked at him with utterly emotionless eyes. It was a strange sensation and one that she was not too sure she liked. She could feel Stone Man as well as see him, and the rest of the room like she was part of it instead of just sat in it. But inside her head she could feel nothing.
“You need to practice this,” Stone Man was saying, the girl looked up at him, “then you will be able to use it whenever you need it.” The girl nodded again, she noticed she was very still, she noticed her breathing more, and Stone Man's breathing also.
“You should teach this to the other one, and you can practice together. See how long you can stay like that today but you should run along, Junie told me to tell you there is a stack of pots waiting when I found you. So now I have found you.” He gave a wolfish grin and stood up opening the door. The girl nodded again not feeling dread at the hour of scrubbing she would have to do, or gratitude for the Stone Man for delaying that drudgery for a while.
She would have to teach her sister about this new trick that the Stone Man had taught her... the innkeepers called him Kant, lately the girl had begun to realise that the people around her had names. She hadn't thought them important before, but she had been wondering about them, and it seemed to her that when people cared about someone they used their name.
Stone Man had been nice to her and taught her this trick, so the girl thought that as a reward she would call him his name; Kant. She would have to tell her sister that as well. She nodded, deciding this in her cleared mind.
The state of not feeling was a strange one. But as she had been told the girl tried to hold onto it for as long as possible as she ran towards the kitchens to do the least favourite activity of seven year old children, dish washing.
The girl fled, she did not cry but she wanted to. She didn’t actually know if she knew how to cry to be honest. She had seen others do so, but it wasn’t something she was allowed to do. She wanted her sister, but the other girl had been sent on an errand into the city. The girl was alone, and she hurt.
She hadn’t meant to make a mistake; it had merely been a stumble in the passage she was meant to have memorised for the Cruel Lady. But that was just an excuse; she had failed in what she wanted her to do. However knowing that she deserved this pain did not make it feel any better. What was worse was the Cruel Lady could do such things without even lifting a finger. She could cause pain just by thinking it. Beak nosed man called her a thrice-cursed meddling witch but never when she was visiting. The girls sister told her that she could hear everything even when she was not there and even read your mind.
With those thoughts the girl barely noticed the person coming her way as she rounded the corner, until it was too late and they had collided. The girl looked up scowling but her scowl quickly faded as she saw who it was. The Stone Man stood in front of her frowning down. The girl looked up warily, she was not sure what to think about the man who came to the inn when the Cruel Lady did. He hurt the girl sometimes as well, but only when the Cruel Lady told him to. Beak nosed man had told the girl that the Stone man was the Cruel Lady's temple warrior, which meant he protected her and did what she said. So the girl was wary around him. But sometimes if the Cruel Lady wasn’t there Stone man was kind to her, and he taught her and her sister things.
The Stone Man bent down and lifted the child to her feet, “I thought I taught you to watch your surroundings!” He admonished, but not unkindly. At the girls wince he looked almost sympathetic, before his face turned into stone again. The girl thought it was its own kind of magic how he managed to do that, make himself look like one of the statues in the square.
“She hurt you,” the mans voice was gruff but it was a statement not a question, he took the girl's arm and led her down into the inn cellars were the girl and her sister lived. The girl let herself be taken, wondering if the Stone Man was angry at her, but trying to accept whatever was going to happen without being scared.
However when they arrived to one of the storerooms that went off from the basement the man merely let go of her arm and spun her round to face him before crouching down so he could look the girl in the eye.
“I am going to teach you a trick,” the girl tilted her head slightly, ready to learn. She liked learning. “It is a trick that will help you, it will stop you from feeling pain,” the girl's eyes widened, was such a thing possible? “Or fear,” the man continued. The girl frowned again.
“I do no be being scared of nothing, I did be remembering what you did be telling me, I did be,” she muttered sullenly, thinking the Stone man thought her a coward, but the man shook his head and gripped the girl's shoulder shaking her slightly, as he did when he was trying to get a point across.
“No girl, I told you not to show fear to anyone, one who feels no fear is a fool, fear is a useful tool but you must not let people know you are afraid or they will use it against you!” The girl nodded, trying to understand, not wanting the Stone man to get angry with her.
The warrior shook his head, “One day you will understand, but today I am going to teach you this trick. It will stop you feeling pain, or fear, or when you are older and understand more of the world regret or doubt.” The girl nodded furiously though she did not really understand what those words meant. “But girl, when you use this trick it will also stop you feeling happiness, or any other feeling, it stops everything not just the bad.”
Again the girl nodded, not truly knowing what she was being told . But that was how things often were, Long Nailed Lady had told her she would understand things better when she got older. “What do you be meaning by a trick?” She asked, her voice more curious than sullen now.
Stone man sat cross legged on the floor and gestured for the girl to do the same opposite him, though there was not that much room in the store cupboard. “Imagine a storm cloud in your head, and think of that and nothing else."
The girl did as she was told, though the weather in Gauig was usually warm they had big storms sometimes in summer. She remembered last year, her and her sister watching from the roof as the clouds rolled in, before they were called inside. She made herself think of just the clouds, dark and angry, full of water and thunder.
“Now concentrate and send the pain you feel, and the memory of the pain into the storm,.” The girl tried to listen and keep thinking of the cloud at the same time.
She felt the pain all over her and thought of it disappearing into the cloud, in her mind the pain was swirly and danced from her skin into the storm, disappearing. Then she remembered when the Cruel Lady had hurt her and sent that memory, with the small room and her face so serene and calm as she taught her why she should not fail. Scrunching her face up she sent even her face into the storm and watched it disappear, then the furniture in the room and the room itself. Even the book which she was meant to have memorised a passage of. The effort that had taken, everything went into the storm.
“Now,” Stone man's voice was pleased, he knew that the girl was trying hard, “Search inside yourself and find all your feelings, your sadness and happiness, your memories and send them inside the storm.”
Her eyes still shut the girl thought of the Stone Man, as he was part of the Cruel Lady and she was already in the fire. She thought of cruel Stone Man first, the one that hurt her. The blows all the ones she could remember went into the storm and then the stony look. Kind Stone Man followed, the one who taught her things and who had bathed her sister's head when she had cut herself.
Then the innkeepers and the endless dishes she had to scrub. Then the customers and their drunken shouting and occasional blows. Then the common room and its smells along with the kitchens and the rooms upstairs spiralled into the storm. The children she knew on the streets outside bundled in together as well as the busy streets and the market place, the bounds of the girl's existence. Next was the basement and the rooms she and Stone Man were in now. The last was the hardest. She imagined her sister, her best friend. She didn’t want to send her into the storm, but it was the last thing, and so she threw her in, and all the things she felt about her, how she was her best friend and they would always be together.
She felt the Stone Man stir, the man looked shocked but pleased. “Well done, little one!” The girl looked at him with utterly emotionless eyes. It was a strange sensation and one that she was not too sure she liked. She could feel Stone Man as well as see him, and the rest of the room like she was part of it instead of just sat in it. But inside her head she could feel nothing.
“You need to practice this,” Stone Man was saying, the girl looked up at him, “then you will be able to use it whenever you need it.” The girl nodded again, she noticed she was very still, she noticed her breathing more, and Stone Man's breathing also.
“You should teach this to the other one, and you can practice together. See how long you can stay like that today but you should run along, Junie told me to tell you there is a stack of pots waiting when I found you. So now I have found you.” He gave a wolfish grin and stood up opening the door. The girl nodded again not feeling dread at the hour of scrubbing she would have to do, or gratitude for the Stone Man for delaying that drudgery for a while.
She would have to teach her sister about this new trick that the Stone Man had taught her... the innkeepers called him Kant, lately the girl had begun to realise that the people around her had names. She hadn't thought them important before, but she had been wondering about them, and it seemed to her that when people cared about someone they used their name.
Stone Man had been nice to her and taught her this trick, so the girl thought that as a reward she would call him his name; Kant. She would have to tell her sister that as well. She nodded, deciding this in her cleared mind.
The state of not feeling was a strange one. But as she had been told the girl tried to hold onto it for as long as possible as she ran towards the kitchens to do the least favourite activity of seven year old children, dish washing.
